My Journey with Depression.

 Hi, my names Joy but no, I am not always joyful. That being said.. I am known for being peppy and happy... All the time! Especially at work or around family. Anytime I wasn't smiling or didn't sound super peppy someone would ask me what's wrong with me or make some kind of comment like "You don't sound happy!" Its a bizarre expectation that since my name is Joy I should always have to be joyful! 

I am 35 and have always dealt with depression in some form or another but since July things have been super hard for me personally. My father passed away July 2019 and its been one thing after the other since then. There's been a lot of stress at home and I lost my job unexpectedly in June 2020. The oldest of my three children just turned 18 and the past 5 years of his life he has been dealing with mental illness. (luckily we are on a better path now and he is finding his way!) 

Most of my problems and even happinesses I just do not share with others.  I would feel ashamed anytime I spoke about feeling sad, depressed, felt no energy, or when I lose track. The shame came from me personally and the woman I felt I should be for my family and friends. I always felt like if I wasn't super happy and content to everyone that I would not be accepted as I am.  

I let myself slowly fall deeper into depression. There were nights where dinner was a PB&J  and sometimes I wouldn't eat at all. Recently there were 4 days in a row that I mainly laid on the couch... i didn't watch TV or play on my phone... i just sat there. I did some chores and only the dishes that I had to do but I just let myself slip soundlessly into nothing. 

On the fourth day I realized what I was doing to myself. I finally acknowledged that I lost my happy little battle with depression and that I have to take care of myself now. I have been through many things in life but since losing my job and being stuck at home i've found a new level of depression. I remember looking at my coffee on the table and not having energy to even lift my arm and grab it. I was not okay!!

I'm getting back on track. Routines are important! Getting up at a set time, going to sleep at a set time, eating healthier, drinking lots of water, going on walks/working out and every morning I do a devotional of some kind on Youtube. I got this idea from a friend who also had kept her pain hidden and quiet from friends.

Each morning I search Youtube for Christian uplifting or motivation videos and found tons of video creators with amazing content. I cry through most but I do it as I let healing in and I see a different future for myself than I did before. Its like I forgot who I am. I wrote this for anyone thats going through this too. Its freaking dreadful and sucks but always hold on...never EVER give up. You have to find what motivates you again and keep at it. Life is hard so fight harder for your happiness. No matter what you believe (I believe in and love Jesus)... even the strongest believer faces this at some point. XOXO.